SEPT. 4, 2024

《This isn’t where it started》

Why is my mind so perverted that I keep fantasizing about a life that’s not mine?

Why are my thoughts so twisted that I cannot accept my very own reality?

Even as I think to myself that I accept this life that’s called mine, something feels indefinitely wrong.

Like this shouldn’t be real.

Like there is something profoundly missing.

Like a puzzle said to be “finished,” when it is obviously missing one single, tiny piece.

But that makes all the difference.

Looking out the Porsche’s window at the snow falling and tumbling quickly by, the girl with long black hair and quiet, dark eyes turned her head in a start at the sound of a voice speaking toward her.

”So last night, I did some looking online about the most popular places to visit there. There was one place I thought we should visit–it’s an indoor ice skating rink. I thought it might be good for you since it’s indoors… Yes, it will still be a little chilly since it’s ice skating, but at least when you get tired of the skating you could go to the cafe attached and get a cup of hot chocolate or something warm.” The black-haired, middle-aged man, smiled a toothy grin, looking proud of himself. He moved his right hand slightly to the right as the car turned, the silver ring on his ring finger glistening white as the afternoon sun speckled it.

Hmm, sounds a little cold.

The girl honestly wasn’t very sporty either. She tended to prefer activities that didn’t involve possible clumsiness.

She thought that Mr. Cheng knew that… No, he definitely did know that.

However, he enjoyed sporty activities like this, so of course she would have to compromise.

”I like hot chocolate.”

She smiled quickly, sheepishly, then turned back to look through the window after nothing else was said.

A few minutes of silence later, Mr. Cheng said something else to her, looking briefly in her direction.

”You know, you can tell me if you don’t like ice skating.”

She blinked, trying to think of what to say in response to that.

He almost seemed to be expecting some particular kind of answer. What was it?

”Honestly, I’ve never done ice skating before.”

It was true, she had never had the chance to do ice skating before.

The man’s slightly tanned expression brightened, his eyes seeming to smile at some mysterious idea.

”Ah, what if I gave you a lesson? That might be fun.”

He seemed thoughtful, smiling as he steered the Porsche.

”Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall and hurt yourself. I guarantee it.”

He said that with an air of genuine sincerity, and the girl thought that was even possibly considered cute, as it seemed like things said like that on TV were supposed to be endearing.

For some reason it didn’t really leave an impression on her, though.

Perhaps this was because there had been numerous instances in the past when he had said something like this, some kind of wordy “promise,” then had later apologized about the same said thing in the same day.

What she half expected was to see herself sooner or later fall to the same icy, slippery ground he swore to not let her scrape her knees on.

But also, she was probably being “cynical,” as they would say.

”Negative,” “with a bad attitude,” and needing to “smile more.”

As they would say.

Well, whatever they would say she was, she still knew the right answers.

That’s what was important.

Right?

The girl with dainty features and long, smooth locks blushed a little, looking down.

”I know you won’t.”

Her voice was quiet, hushed, as if you had to lean a little closer to hear.

She looked up briefly, gauging his reaction.

He didn’t look back, but instead he simply laughed incredulously.

”Of course not! How could I let my little Jingxue fall and hurt herself? That would make me a bad husband.”

He smiled a little as he finished, looking into the distance.

Jingxue blushed, looking away to the window, resting her cheek on her right hand.

She used her left hand, ornamented with a glittering, simple silver ring on the ring finger, to sweep her hair to the left, hiding her expression.

Nothing was said after that, the only sound filling the silence being the quiet hum of the radio playing some unknown piano melody and the soft battering of snow against the windows.

She looked out the window again, watching the snow tumble down from the blueish white sky and onto the car windows, leaving streaks of icy snowflakes on the glass.

It was almost like the snow was trying to knock its way into the warm car cabin, trying with all its might in futile strength.

Maybe it would grow stronger though, as weather changed all the time.